From news.crocker.com!news.sprintlink.net!new-news.sprintlink.net!nntp.primenet.com!news.cais.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in1.uu.net!xenitec!looking!funny-request Mon Apr 29 14:22:41 1996 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: siva@shape.ece.jhu.edu (K. Sivakumar) Subject: The Ten Usenet Commandments Keywords: laugh, USENET Approved: funny-request@clari.net Path: news.crocker.com!news.sprintlink.net!new-news.sprintlink.net!nntp.primenet.com!news.cais.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in1.uu.net!xenitec!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Fri, 26 Apr 96 19:30:02 EDT Lines: 93 Chris Hennessy (chenness@enterprise.powerup.com.au) wrote: The brothers Usas and Senda, despairing of the state of UseNet, went unto the mountain at the feet of Net.God. "Oh Net.God, there is confusion and sorrow in your place of UseNet. The people worship false gods and knowst not your will." Net.God spoke unto Usas and Senda. "YOU PLAYETH THE GAME BY NET.GOD'S LAWS, OR THE BAT WILL BE DEPOSITED IN THE LIGHTLESS PLACE." Usas, being devout and greatly afeard of Net.God, prayed. "Lord, how am I to know your will?" And Net.God, being wise in the ways of Usas, spake thus, "THOU SHALT OBEY THE LAWS OF USENET, THERE BEING TEN, OR BE DAMNED UNTO THE LAST GENERATION," for He is a merciful God. So did Net.God deliver unto Usas the Commandments. THE TEN USENET COMMANDMENTS --------------------------- 1. Thou shalt not battle over operating systems. I am wise and in My wisdom have created diverse and various operating systems. Be true unto the chosen system and neither covet nor despise your neighbour's operating system. 2. Thou shalt not battle over nationalities or tribes. I have placed the UseNet aside from all things, and granted it unto Usas. I am blind to the place in which pray, all prayers being equal in Virtual Heaven. 3. Thou shalt not flame. Your Net.God has anger in His heart for those who flame without cause or who do persecute the spelling of others. In my wisdom I have created opinions to be as armpits; your's is warm and secure but thine neighbour's stinks. Tolerate others as you would be tolerated. Flames are Mine, and I do preserve some good ones for these people. 4. Thou shalt not MAKE-$$$$-FAST. I have made Usas wise that the love of money is the root of all evil. He who angers his neighbour by the wasting of bandwidth shall anger Net.God, and also by spamming or cluttering. I reserveth a special Hell for these, and great shall be their sorrow. 5. Thou shalt quote meaningfully. Net.God loves not the man who taketh more than needed nor he who quoteth all, including the sig. Render unto Net.God what is Net.God's, render unto Usas what is Usas; credit Senda for he is good. 6. Thou shalt e-mail personal prayers. I have rendered unto Usas the ability to talk to all the peoples of the world. I tell you, it is better to whisper into an ear than shout into a crowd. 7. Thou shalt not me-too. Make not your prayers to the Senda the knowledge of thine neighbour. The wisdom of Usas is the ability to speak to all people, and to choose to speak to one. 8. Thou shalt not cross post unwisely. The place I grant thee for rec.pets.cats is not the place of comp.unix.advocacy. 9. Thou shalt not post tests in profusion. I giveth unto you the lands of alt.test to learn of your God. Tend to Usas as I do My calves; let the new gather the strength to stand before joining with the herd. 10.Thou shalt send complete offerings. Send not to your God incomplete offerings. If the parts of the sacrifice number all the people of the world times ten your God will not be pleased to receive all but two. The blessing of Net.God is upon he who posts fewer large parts that he who posts many small ones. [Note - reprinted by permission of Chris Hennessy. This can also be found on his home page (http://www.powerup.com.au/~chenness/). My thanks to him, and my thanks to the submitter for getting permission - ed.] -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clari.net. If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to the poster please, not to us. Ask the poster to forward comments back to us if this is necessary.